Location, Location, Location!

One of my favorite business signs in Baltimore.

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BOHICA

This time I'm determined not to miss out. I was clearly asleep at the switch when the demand for Purel started skyrocketing this year, though I had bought some Johnson and Johnson stock (the parent company) last May and it has done quite well. I should have also been buying boxcars of the hand sanitizer when the news of the flu first came out, but what's done is done. It's just as well, though. With the money I saved not buying all that Purel, I'm sending my broker out to hoard all known stocks of K-Y Jelly. It's only a matter of time before cavity searches become mandatory on all domestic and international flights, and I'm determined not to be caught with my pants down! Fortunately J&J also makes K-Y Jelly, so I'm going to do alright. I wonder who makes rubber gloves?

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Nes Gadol Haya Po

I have to hand it to my wife and admit that I was wrong. The morning of the trip, she finally convinced her mother to come with us. How, I don't know. So, early Thursday, Bubbie got herself out to the beauty shop and to the bank. We picked her up in the afternoon and drove to Atlantic City. It was a terrific trip. We had a milchig dinner at Carmine's with our son, his wife and the machatonim. We then went to the casino in the Tropicana. Bubbie DOUBLED her money! (Translation: She borrowed $1.00 from my wife, played the penny slot machine, and walked away with $2.18.) Not bad for one night's work. Everyone was happy.

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No Surprise Here

One thing about Bubbie, she does not disappoint. While she was staying with us during the recent heavy snowfall, we received a phone call from our son who invited us all to join him and his wife and her parents in Atlantic City on Christmas eve for dinner and some fun. Bubbie was very excited about seeing her grandson, so we made a reservation for her as well. It was all planned. Then, we got the phone call. "I shouldn't go...I have lots to do here (like mailing some letters and not doing laundry or housecleaning)...What will I do there, anyway?, etc., etc...You go and have a good time...I'll just stay home." Now, I wouldn't say she's stubborn, but arguing with her is like Mr. Peepers trying to take down The Hulk. It's futile. So, yesterday I cancelled her reservation. On reflection I realized there was no question but that this was how things would turn out. This was a scenario straight out of The Martyred Mother's Playbook which I believe she co-authored.

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Keeping Abreast of the Situation

I love it. All the folks who supported Obamacare with its foundation of evidenced based medicine now singing another tune when the evidence based medicine shows that it's not so cost effective to get yearly mammograms from ages 40-50. Sounds great in theory-until your ox gets gored and you have to give up access to a test or a therapy that the bean counters have concluded doesn't pay off for the public at large. You don't think it's about rationing? Of course it is. I heard Diane Rehm absolutely crucify one of the study directors yesterday on her radio program. She couldn't understand why there were no breast care specialists on the panel that came to those conclusions. How would that have made a difference? The studies looked at the impact of the test over time. The numbers wouldn't have changed. Does that mean women in that age group shouldn't get mammograms? Of course not. But will the government and the insurance companies pay for it if the studies show that as a public health strategy, it's not so helpful? They won't want to, though I suspect emotions are so great on this one that it will be difficult (if not impossible) to take this away from the public. Get ready for more evidence based medicine.

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Dept. of Missed Opportunities.

It hit me like a bolt of lightning this afternoon. I could have done it. I could have pulled it off and walked away unscathed. I can picture it now. Someone turning in his/her seat and indignantly asking, "What did you say?" And I could have come back with: "Everybody's somber!"

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Wake me when it's over

I almost got into big trouble the other day. Eve and I were attending the funeral of an aunt of hers at Levinson's. We were waiting for the family to file in from the reception room when someone seated in the pews in front either got a phone call or was turning off his/her cell. Anyway, the ring tone played very loud, perky Latin music lasting about 10 seconds. It took all of my self-restraint not to shout out: EVERYBODY SAMBA! But I didn't. I should have. Eve tells me I'm lucky that I used good sense. I'd probably be sleeping alone for the next six months if I hadn't.

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Tautology of the Day

Cops:Wisconsin Man Linked by DNA to 9 Murdered Women Had Anger Problems

I should think so.

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Ya' gotta know when to fold 'em

So, we were at a wedding this afternoon. An elegant affair. At dinner, the waiters even came around and refolded napkins. I was sitting alone at the table while everyone else was up dancing (too hot to do the Hora). Our server appeared and carefully folded the napkin of the guy next to me..and then placed it at the plate of the woman two seats down. It made me wonder just how far in the training process Armando had progressed. He clearly "owned" the idea of the neat napkin but hadn't quite yet mastered the concept of the personal napkin.

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Weighty Matter

Seen on chart at work: Weight 630 lbs- without shoes.
You can't make up stuff like this.

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Taking Chutzpah to the Next Level

Well, that's just great. They're letting the Lockerbie bomber go free on "compassionate grounds" 'cuz he has prostate cancer. Isn't that special! How about compassion for the 270 victims, their families, and their friends? One can only imagine the Olympic level mental gymnastics that the judge or judges had to perform to rationalize this one. I promised myself that when I retired I wouldn't let things bother me...but this one makes my blood boil.

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The Longest Day

Well, I traveled to Washington yesterday to give my cardiology lecture to the new crop of ALJs. There were about 75 of them in a very poorly arranged classroom. Fortunately, the Power Point presentation worked well. For a group of attorneys, they were pretty well behaved. I was able to get through about 95% of my lecture before I had to stop for time. I think it was well received. The hardest part of the entire day was getting there. Actually, the directions to the location itself weren't bad. Once I arrived, it was hard to figure out which building to go into. I finally knew I was in the right place when I saw that all of the guards were busy texting, and no one checked the contents of my briefcase as I walked in. It was a federal building after all. Drive back to Baltimore was horrendous. Dealing with Washington traffic is always a nightmare. Got home exhausted at 5:30 then had to be in the theater at 6:30 for final dress rehearsal of The Pirates of Penzance with orchestra and an audience. Yes, we did it 5 years ago and were supposed to do Iolanthe this summer, but given the economy, they decided to go with a bigger draw show. Things went well. The orchestra sounded terrific. It didn't take me very long to fall asleep last night. Formal opening is Saturday night.

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Modern Times

Poor Bubbe. Perhaps it's that mouse thing-that pointing and clicking that really throws her. Or, perhaps it's the concept of files and directories. She just can't wrap her head around it. This poor lady, who was a very organized and competent legal/financial secretary (excuse me, administrative assistant) in her day, is a basket case when it comes to computers. Hadn't I previously mentioned that every few weeks we used to place 20 or so shortcuts to solitaire on her desk top so that she could play? In no time at all, they needed replacement. We finally took the computer out. This was all dredged up again today when we were over at her house doing our weekly tech check. That usually involves resetting clocks and light timers, changing bulbs, fixing the phone message, etc. She asked Eve to unjam the correction ribbon on the old Selectric. She owns three or four typewriters, including an Underwood from the time of the Great Depression. I believe these are the last typewriters in existence outside of the Smithsonian. If it's not apparent by now, know that my mother-in-law (BTW, did you catch apparent?) is a confirmed 12 flasher. The final straw, I'm afraid, is this new digital TV thing. Of course she doesn't have cable so we had to buy converter boxes for her three analog sets. Now she has to remember to use the big remote to turn the sets on and off and the little remote (for the converter boxes) to change channels and volume. It is virtually impossible for her to keep all of that straight, and we get almost daily phone calls telling us one or another of the TVs is not working. This actually gave me the inspiration for a new business venture-ElderTech. For a fee, someone comes to your non-tech savvy relative's house every week and resets things. This could be set up along the same organizational lines as ElderPluck ( for unwanted facial hair and poor eyesight), and ElderGroom (when they've lost the motivation to clean up and get dressed). I'm presently composing the business plan and looking for potential investors. Inquiries from the readership of Shy and Retiring are welcome.

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Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel

This nearly writes itself.

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Just a Heartbeat Away!

"There you go again!"

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And They're Off!

It happened again. The experts outwitted by a horse.









Speaking of horses:

Cowboy talking to Indian. A beautiful woman walks by.
Cowboy: Who is that?
Indian: My wife. Her name Four Horses.
Cowboy: How did she get that name?
Indian: Nag,Nag,Nag,Nag.

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Pathetic Scumbag of the Week

Disgusting.

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Just Biden' my time

Anyone care to start a pool predicting just how long it will be before our esteemed VPOTUS says the next stupid thing?

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They buried old Fotheringill the other day..dead, you know.

Well...I did admit that I'm a procrastinator. I was honest about it. It was roughly two years ago that a fellow from the neighborhood whom I had just met gave me the URL for the website of a local RC flying club. This was something I'd been interested in for years but never really pursued. Searching the site, I saw the name of a man I had had several connections with in the past. He had been a pharmacist at the drug store I worked in while I was in high school, and about 15 years ago, I became his father's cardiologist. I saw that he was an officer in the club. Since that time I had been saying to myself: Self, let's call Stacy. He'll teach you how to fly. I thought about it again this week and was truly getting closer to doing it. Unfortunately, while reading the paper yesterday, I saw Stacy's obituary. Another life lesson learned.

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Bean There..Done That..

All I can say is that it was a good thing that this was not my first day on the job. The fellow who runs the office (also known as the boss) and I were in the break room together. He's a pretty fastidious guy-something that I noticed the other day when, as we both stood in front of the Mr.Coffee, he made a real effort to clean up the few drips of water that remained on the counter after we had poured our cups. This morning he did the same thing after he filled his mug. Then it was my turn. I quickly pulled the pot off of the burner and was poised to pour. Unfortunately (in my haste) the mouth of the pot caught on the handle of the filter holder, and I managed to pull the entire thing off of the machine. In perfect jellied toast fashion, it landed upside down, and all of the soggy contents of the hot filter were now spread over the counter and floor. It took a while for the boss and me to clean it up. I wondered if this was "grounds" for dismissal?

And speaking of jellied toast...Here's the answer to perpetual motion.

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Monkeying Around

Sorry about the last entry. I'm not sure how that ape hacked into this blog, though if nothing else, he did sound sincere. Thanks to all of the PETA folks who wrote in and expressed their support for Travis, but the (once) cute little chimp who captured the world's imagination will not be a regular contributor to Shy and Retiring.

At work they asked me to prepare a cardiology class for the new
disability examiners. Luckily, I've been working on a lecture for the ALJs and I will just borrow from that one. Power Point is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately the SSA computer system won't let me get to any sites where I can find echocardiographic videos to use. So, I have to capture them on my home computer and transfer them to work. Of course, the email system at work won't allow these types of files to be sent in, and the PCs that we use will not accept flash drives. It makes it quite a chore, but I'll figure it out.

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Saving Face

Let's make one thing clear from the get-go. I don't blame Sandy. I’m like: It’s cool. When the heat was on, the easiest thing in the world to do was to throw me under the bus. Just blame it on the chimp. Heard they froze her assets this week anyway--Ouch! The paparazzi? and the shills from the MSM? They were like: Mad Monkey Attacks! Who's going to listen to me anyway? I'm just a goddamn primate. I was like: How about MY side of the story. Wasn't it enough that I wore a stupid diaper and had to water that brown dandelion patch they called a lawn? Wasn't it enough that I had to listen to Mistress Sandra snore all night? You think putting up with her lame friends was easy? Think again, my friend. Bet you read in the papers that she gave me wine to drink. Brother, we're not talking Kendall-Jackson or Sonoma-Cutrer. Hell, we're not even talking Gallo or Manishewitz. Think Thunderbird or Mad Dog. Now you're catching on. Sometimes enough IS enough! Tough luck that my pal Roscoe took the hit. I was like: Don’t open the car door, man--Barney Fife has his one bullet loaded! Oh well…such is life. It was rough for a few months, especially in that room they stuck me in below the garage. Nothing like my old crib. The food (if that's what you can call it) really sucked. Of course, I did lose a few pounds- which should help me with the ladies...but that’s another story altogether. Anyway, now that all the commotion’s died down, I'm like exploring my options. Thinking about the talk show circuit. No worries-I’ll survive. Peace, baby.

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The Sound of Music

I was thinking about my grandson at work today. After all, he's already 4 1/2. It's certainly not too early to consider his college education. I recall how competitive things were when my kids were applying in the 1990s. I can only imagine what it'll be like in 2023. But I have a plan, and I presented it to Rachel this morning. Strategy is key, of course. I suspect most every child growing up today will apply to the Ivies with a transcript/resume stuffed with all manner of interesting extra-curricular activities. What one needs to stand out from the crowd is something unique. Something different. Lacrosse? fencing? summers working in chemistry labs? Habitat for Humanity? Fuggedaboudid! Now, If I can only convince Micah to spend the next 14 years learning how to do this, he's in. No question. All we have to do is find a tutor.

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The Hills Have Eyes (except in this case)

Is there something wrong with me? I wouldn't have spent five minutes looking for this guy if (in fact) he was hiking alone in the mountains. It's one thing if he was with others and somehow was accidentally abandoned, but blind and hiking alone? Someone tell me why any effort should have been made on his behalf. He's "fiercely independent." Great! You're so independent? Next time find your own way home. Don't put hundreds of others at risk looking for a blind man in the mountains.

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And They're Off....

50:1 shot, eh? As I pointed out last year on Preakness day, it's a damned horse. Nobody told him he wasn't supposed to win. And just like last year, I can't wait to hear all of the learned analysis.

Speaking of learned analysis, though I could be wrong, it looks more and more as if this flu thing is a total bust. We should all be thankful for that, but look at all the waste of effort and all of the panic. And speaking of horses and horses' asses, at least the Vice-President was on top of things with his travel comments. I wonder if they've re-activated that Secret Service squad? You know, the one they had in place during the early 1970's whose job it was to "take out" Spiro Agnew if something unexpected happened to President Nixon? Let's hope President Obama didn't catch the flu while visiting Mexico.

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Haiku...Gesundheit!

Ans’ring Craigslist ads
Deadly tryst in posh hotel
Girlfriend’s sure surprised!

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Back to the Grind

Well, Passover is finished for another year. We did all of the meals at my daughter Rachel's house. I'm actually glad I went to Israel before the holiday since I lost about 5-7 pounds while I was there. I gained it all back over last week. Once the weather warms up here I will start riding my bike again. I'm deciding if I should grow some vegetables this year. Maybe I will.

Eve and I had Micah all day yesterday since Rachel and David went to New York for a wedding. They took Leah. We had a good time. First the birthday party at Gymjam, then the dog parade at Druid Hill Park, then baseball at Wellwood, a nap (thank God) and dinner at Milk and Honey Bistro. I then got to stay and watch movies at their house until they got back at 12:30 am. I started to watch Zombie Strippers but it was so bad I switched to Frequency. Much better.

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Once a Pirate...

I unfortunately missed the audition for this summer's G&S operetta since I was occupied in preparing for my trip to Israel. Imagine my surprise when, upon my return from the Middle East, I received an email from the director of the Young Victorian Theater Company and was asked to join the cast. As has been the case since the summer of 2001, I can't wait for rehearsals to begin! The Pirates of Penzance is one of my favorites.

There's another bit of summer magic I will be experiencing in July and August. I have been asked to prepare and deliver the cardiology learning module for the next set of several hundred administrative law judges hired by the Social Security Administration. Their basic job, as I understand it, is to overrule the medical opinions that my colleagues and I render. That should be fun.

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My Week on "The Strip."

Well..It all turned out to be a lot more interesting than I had anticipated. I was in Israel for nearly three weeks. I had joined a group from my shul who were going as Sar-El volunteers. Ten of us were stationed at a base outside of Rehovot for a week. We did mostly warehouse work. A fellow from San Francisco whose cousin coordinates all of the volunteer activities was tacked on to our Baltimore based group. He turned out to be a nice guy and quite friendly. I asked him if he could intercede with his cousin and find something interesting for me to do for my next week since everyone else from Baltimore was leaving. I was, therefore, sent to work at a base at the border of Israel, Gaza and Egypt. Our group of 10 guys was tasked with laying a concertina wire fence for several kilometers just inside the Israeli border. The purpose of the barbed wire was to slow down infiltrators coming over the Egyptian border at night. Here are some pictures. Being alone in the desert made an impression on me I won't soon forget. I came as close to the the commandment we read in the Haggadah at Passover-Bachol dor va dor, hayav adam leerot et atzmo, keelu who yatza memitzraiyim -as I ever will. It states: In every generation an individual must see himself as if he (personally) had gone out from Egypt.

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Getting ready to go

I've got my train ticket to Newark, my plane ticket, and my hotel reservation in Jerusalem for the weekend before the program starts. Now all I need to do is pack. I generally overpack for trips, but this time I am determined not to do so. I'm sure I'll need to buy a few things. This trip is causing Eve great anxiety since I don't have every free moment (weekends off of the base) planned. I'll manage somehow. Purim tomorrow night. I'm going to "out" myself with my flight suit. Oh, I haven't really explained my hobby. More on that later.

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Bits and Pieces

So, I called my friend Sam to tell him about Bubbie's new problem. He told me that that was not the first time he had encountered that complaint. He says it got to the point where he was taking "before and after" pictures of his patients since they swore that they had never had wrinkles, age spots, etc. before the cataract surgery. Someone even told him that now her house was dirtier, and it was his fault!
Geez..and I thought being a cardiologist was a challenge. Well, it was but that's another story.
Next week I'm traveling to Israel to volunteer on a military base for three weeks. I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing. Eve's not coming with me. Someone in this family needs to work. Actually, I have been working at Social Security for close to a year now. A few months ago they started rolling policy questions my way, and I ultimately had to appear before the Commissioner of the SSA to address some points concerning cardiology. It was a bit unnerving, but it turned out to be less threatening than I had anticipated. In fact, I rather enjoyed myself. They have since given me a few other projects to work on. We'll see how they turn out.

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A wrinkle in time

Don't ask me why there has been nothing written since June. Laziness, I guess. Actually, I got involved in a hobby project at home that took me about 4 months to complete and just lost the spark after that. I've allowed many promising ideas I could have written about fade into oblivion. Oh well. New ideas will come along.

Bubbie Becky, my mother-in-law, had her second cataract surgery performed by my friend Sam this week. Sam and I grew up a few blocks from one another. We both attended Fallstaff Elementary. Actually, we went all the way through high school together. We met up again in med school, and now we sit a few rows from one another in Shul every week. Bubbie was very happy with him after the first operation 6 weeks ago. The other night (a day after the 2nd surgery) she revealed to us that she was upset. Why? Well, he did a good job on her eyes but must have done something to her face in the process because suddenly she's got lots of wrinkles. Oi. I think I'll call Sam today and let him know.

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